


If You Let me (I Can Be More)

by Papillon87



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Bin writes a poem, Canon, Dongmin cries on MitH, Fluff, Just sweetness pure, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:34:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29271831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Papillon87/pseuds/Papillon87
Summary: Dongmin cries on Master in the House and it hurts Bin to see him cry.He needs to do something about it.
Relationships: Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo/Moon Bin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 82





	If You Let me (I Can Be More)

  
  


Seeing Dongmin cry always breaks Bin’s heart.

Dongmin’s nature is to be composed, always showing his best side to the public; it's almost inevitable that some of it bleeds into his private life. The urge not to show any weakness is strong, omnipresent like an invisible hand at the small of his back, urging Dongmin to be perfect.

Bin knows the real Dongmin behind that mask. All members do, actually; it’s impossible not to, after so many years of living together. They know each other at their lowest points; seen moments that have been embarrassing, heartbreaking or downright ugly.

That doesn't mean Dongmin doesn’t try though - he does. Trying to be positive, smiling in face of every adversity, trying to see the bright side of life.

When the mask does come off sometimes, Dongmin prefers to be alone.

Bin is not very good at respecting boundaries. 

He is not very good at leaving people alone, especially not the people he loves. 

Whenever Dongmin wants to be alone, Bin still manages to worm his way into his room - his fine receptors for Dongmin’s distress never failing him - and, undeterred by Dongmin’s anger, he persists, like a plague.

(These are Dongmin’s words but Bin knows Dongmin doesn’t mean them. He is sure about it because after weathering Dongmin’s grumpy ‘leave me alone,’ he always ends up staying, Dongmin’s body curling gratefully into him and the tears coming anyway.)

Bin never says much while listening to Dongmin’s silent, tired sobs. He is too careful to open his mouth in case words tumble out that he knows have no place in the silent confine of Dongmin’s small room.

So Bin locks up the words in his heart and silently strokes Dongmin’s hair until they fall asleep next to each other. In the morning, Dongmin is his old, smiley and polite self - thank you, Binnie, you are the best - and Bin slinks away, back to his room or into the bathroom, biting his lips and keeping his mouth shut because you don’t overwhelm your best friend by blurting out ‘I love you’ after they’ve just stopped feeling awful - that would be insensitive.

Bin waits for the right moment.

That doesn’t mean he can’t be the supportive best friend in the meantime; it’s not that hard to stomp down the ache in his chest and smile at Dongmin in the morning, at his sleep-flushed face, or wait for him to come back from filming, tired and worn down, but his face transformed by a sappy smile when he sees Bin sitting on the living room sofa at 2am.

But today is different.

Today, Dongmin is not in the dorm. He is visiting his parents after finally having wrapped up filming for his drama, and Bin has just watched the latest episode of Master in the House.

Dongmin talked about wanting to share his life with someone who would know him for who he really is, knowing all his faults and embarrassing moments; Dongmin talked about wanting to get married one day - and he started crying.

Bin watched the whole episode and then went back into his room and shut the door behind him.

His heart aches; it's not the familiar dull pain that he is used to - this is a wholly new level of pain that feels like it has somehow paralysed his brain and constricted his throat; the blood pounds in his ears, making him feel dizzy.

Curled up on his bed, he almost wishes Dongmin would stay with his parents tonight. Because if he comes home, Bin might do something stupid.

‘Hi, it’s me!’

Great.

Bin stays in the foetal position but his heart starts thrumming frantically and his brain does this awful thing when it actually urges him to get up and cross the short distance to Dongmin’s room and  _ tell _ him. 

No. No, no, no.

The noises behind his closed door are familiar ones, Dongmin talking to Jinwoo, Rocky laughing at something he has said, MJ’s slightly shrill, enthusiastic greeting from the kitchen.

Despite doing his best to resist, Bin gets up - as if his body was acting out of its own volition - and heads for the living room.

Dongmin’s face lights up the moment he sees him.

‘Binnie!’

They hug because they always do. Bin inhales Dongmin’s smell, achingly familiar, and lets him go before he starts acting clingy and suspicious.

‘Mum has sent some food,’ Dongmin smiles and lifts up a plastic bag that he must have been holding since he came. ‘You hungry, Binnie?’

‘I am!’

Sanha looks up from a video game he is playing, sitting on the floor, and does his signature baby pout.

Dongmin is not swayed and, shooting Sanha a murderous glare, he turns his eyes back to Bin.

Bin feels his face growing hot. ‘It’s fine, Min. I'm not hungry.’

Judging by the look Dongmin gives him, he must be convinced Bin is seriously sick when he has rejected homemade food but he doesn't argue.

‘Can I have it then?’ Sanha scrambles up to his feet and is now looking at Bin with big puppy eyes.

(Despite all the aegyo, Sanha is not stupid. He knows that even if it’s Dongmin’s food, he needs to sweet talk Bin to get his greedy little paws on it.)

Bin and Dongmin roll their eyes in unison - yes, take it - and Sanha grabs the bag before either of them can change their minds.

‘Leave some for the others, it’s not just for you,’ Dongmin calls after him and gives Bin a small smile before heading for his room.

There is definitely something wrong with Bin’s brain because he follows him, despite the knot in his stomach, despite the warning voice in his head.

He stretches on Dongmin’s bed and watches him potter around, emptying his backpack and getting changed.

Dressed in his favourite old sweatpants instead of the designer jeans he was wearing before - even if only venturing out for a short time, gone are the days when the ‘face of Korea’ could leave the dorm in a faded hoodie with frayed sleeves - Dongmin lowers himself on the bed next to Bin.

‘How was your day, Min?’

Dongmin’s voice is almost sleepy. ‘Good. I ate so much I think I might burst. And you?’

The blood rushes into Bin’s head; his heart is beating so hard he is convinced Dongmin can hear it.

‘I have watched you in Master in the House,’ he says silently.

Dongmin stills. 

Bin wishes his best friend would say something - maybe a light-hearted remark about how he has embarrassed himself snivelling on TV - but Dongmin says nothing.

Bin rolls onto his side and skims his hand down Dongmin’s arm. ‘You know you can tell me everything, right? I'm always here for you,’ he whispers.

Dongmin sighs. He doesn't look at Bin but takes his hand and squeezes his fingers lightly. ‘I know, Binnie.’

The uncomfortable silence stretches forever. Bin waits for some miraculous seismic shift; he waits for the Earth to shatter, but nothing happens.

There is a lump in Bin’s throat, words that are trying to fight their way past his lips, but he can’t. Not when Dongmin is not looking at him, not a smile, not a single glance. Dongmin might be holding his hands but the way his body stays rigid, unmoving next to Bin’s, he might as well be in the next room.

They stay in silence until Bin can’t bear it anymore.

‘I should go to sleep,’ he sits up, running his hand through his hair, waiting - one more desperate moment - for Dongmin to hold him back.

Dongmin doesn't.

…………………………….

The display on Bin’s phone reads 4:20am.

He tosses around in his bed, the emptiness of his room oppressive, suffocating. He misses Dongmin, his breathing, his warmth on the nights when they just decide to share the bed on a whim - wanna stay tonight - no big song and dance about it - because sometimes it's nicer to face the night with someone’s quiet breathing within reach.

When his phone tells him that it’s 5:37am, he gives up.

The darkness in his own head always looks worse in the small hours, the thoughts more tangled, twisted, the reality bleak - but today’s grey light of dawn sees Bin filled with a rush of new resolve.

He tears a page from his notebook, the one that he keeps for writing down things he doesn't want anyone to see. 

He scribbles, hurriedly, line after line, before he loses the momentum, before his courage deserts him one more time. When he is done, he copies the poem on another piece of paper, in his best handwriting, and slides it into an envelope, one that he - thank goodness - manages to find in his desk.

The letter waits on his bed while he throws on the gym clothes, movements frantic because if he does this, if he really does, he needs to get out immediately.

He leaves his room as quietly as he can. The envelope doesn’t make a sound as he slides it under Dongmin’s door but he hurriedly tiptoes out of the dorm, just in case.

………....……………………. 

The two hours in the gym are pure bliss; he pushes himself to the limit, pounding the treadmill and lifting as much iron as he can, to the point of feeling sick. (Not that he has anything to throw up - in his haste to leave he has forgotten to have breakfast.)

When the big clock on the wall shows eight, Bin knows he needs to go back. There are schedules to attend; even if he might be dying inside when facing Dongmin - what his answer will be, Bin doesn't want to think about right now - life has to go on.

He pushes the revolving door with more force than intended and stumbles outside. 

The freezing February air hits him square in the face, like a slap. Bin hisses a little and buries his face in the thick scarf wrapped around his neck.

Time to go home and face the music.

‘Binnie?’

He whirls around. 

A tall figure emerges from underneath the awning of the café next door and Bin freezes on the spot.

Dongmin hands him a cup of coffee and Bin’s fingers welcome the warmth. ‘Thank you.’

They start walking towards the dorm, sipping quietly, not looking at each other.

‘How did you know I was here?’

‘Your gym bag wasn’t in your room.’

‘Ah.’

More silence ensues. Bin is almost convinced that they will reach the dorm without addressing the giant elephant in the room (or in the street) when Dongmin draws a shuddery breath.

‘I’ve read your poem.’

Bin makes an involuntary squeak as he slams into Dongmin, full force, because Dongmin has stopped walking and yanked at Bin’s arm to bring him to a halt.

‘You - You did?’

Dongmin steps away a little and his fingers dig into the empty cup. ‘I did.’

Bin now knows how it feels to stand in front of a jury and await a verdict. 

He gulps and says nothing because if Dongmin says he loves him, the world will start turning again.

And - well, if Dongmin says he doesn’t Bin can maybe - just maybe - backtrack and salvage something from their friendship.

Because he didn't write the word love. 

Not a single I love you. 

Dongmin is not stupid, Bin would never patronise him like that, and a confession is a confession - but Bin hopes that for the sake of what they have now, if Dongmin doesn’t have any feelings for him, he will not begrudge Bin the the way out via the tiny back door Bin has made for himself.

‘I did read it,’ Dongmin repeats and something in his voice makes Bin look up.

The answer is there, in Dongmin’s eyes, and - oh god - Bin feels truly dizzy now, and maybe a little teary; he wants to crush Dongmin in his arms and maybe kiss him, but, of course, he doesn't do any of that - not with the morning commuters already milling around in the street - so he just stays frozen to the spot and starts grinning like a big, goofy fool.

‘I was scared,’ whispers Dongmin. ‘I was scared that you only saw me as a friend - and then I thought that if I told you and you didn't like me, you would kinda feel awkward afterwards.’

Dongmin’s fingers are crushing the paper cup. ‘I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you.’

Bin feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest. The world is suddenly spinning again on its axis, everything as it should be, just more colourful, more alive.

He keeps grinning for a bit more - no coherent thoughts left - when Dongmin chuckles and throws the coffee cup in a bin right next to them.

‘We should go back,’ he drapes his arm around Bin’s shoulders. ‘I’ve told Jinjin that I’m going to pick you up so we are not running late this morning.’

Bin thinks he might pass out from happiness from the feeling of Dongmin’s hand on his shoulder. ‘Yeah, we should.’

They amble down the road, prolonging the time together, putting off the moments when they have to go back to reality.

‘Should we tell the others, you think?’ Dongmin asks, eyebrows knitted together in a little frown.

‘Maybe we can wait for a bit,’ Bin grins suddenly. ‘It will be our secret.’

Dongmin laughs as he punches in the entry code, 'Ok, secret it is.’

They duck into the lobby.

For a split of a delicious second, Dongmin buries his face in Bin’s hair and Bin’s heart lurches in the best possible way.

………………………………………

The dorm greets them with its usual morning chaos, with people fighting for the time in the shower and everyone trying to finish breakfast as soon as possible.

Bin’s heart is hammering in his chest but no one is paying them too much attention, only Jinwoo looks up from his bowl. ‘Thanks for bringing him, Min, we need to hurry up. Have you eaten, Binnie?’

Everything is back to normal. Bin breaks a record in the speed-showering and Dongmin gets his breakfast ready for him.

The day carries on as usual, hours of dance practice, then vocal training afterwards, a quick dinner scrambled from leftovers at the end of the day because they are all too tired to go shopping.

When everything quietens down, Bin slips into the bathroom where Dongmin is brushing his teeth. Bin squeezes himself into the space next to Dongmin and nudges him gently with his hip. Dongmin spits out the toothpaste and smiles.

‘Do you wanna stay in my room tonight?’

……………………………..

Under the covers, they are quiet, conscious of the sounds coming from the hall, the footsteps, the voices of Jinwoo and MJ, bickering good-naturedly about who has lost the laptop charger.

Bin’s fingers find Dongmin’s under the blanket. ‘You know - I've told you that I’m here for you. I mean it.’

Dongmin’s face gentles. ‘I know.’

‘Does it mean you will tell me your most embarrassing secret now?’

Dongmin gasps and elbows him in the ribs. ‘That's blackmail!’

Bin’s grin turns wicked. ‘But you said it. On national TV. That you wanted to find someone whom you could share all your embarrassing secrets with - I’m quoting here.’

‘I said I wanted to marry someone and share those secrets with them - there’s a difference.’

The words hang in the air for a moment, suspended, a glass bubble, ready to burst.

Dongmin leans over Bin and takes his face into his hands. ‘But I would marry you, Binnie, if I could. I would marry you tomorrow, you know. Would you?’

Bin runs his hands up and down Dongmin’s back. He needs to feel something tangible and real, something to ground him, because this is almost too much.

‘I would too,’ he smiles into Dongmin’s eyes, surprised how easy it is to say those words. How it feels  _ right _ \- a missing piece of a puzzle finally falling into place. ‘I would too, Min, right now.’

After Dongmin kisses him, there is no more talking.

Bin thinks they have talked enough for one day.

They fall asleep, limbs entangled together, not quite sure when one ends and the other begins, with the light of the streetlamp in front of Dongmin’s window casting stripes of pale yellow light across the room.

On Dongmin’s desk is a sheet of paper propped against the open screen of his laptop.

  
  
  


………………………………

  
  


I saw you crying today  
And I didn't know what to do  


The words were there  
Frozen and powerless on the tip of my tongue  
I wanted to tell you so much  
To tell you that I could be more  


If you let me

I can be the arm you lean on when you stumble  
I can be the hand that holds yours  
I can be the fingers that wipe away the tears from your cheeks  
Featherlight and slow  


If you let me

I can be the silence   
When the world becomes too loud  
I can be a hug  
After a day that has been too long  


If you let me

I can be the kiss that maps out your body  
Every inch of it  
The landscape that I have yet to know  
(But I want to I want so much)  


If you let me

I can be yours

If you let me

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I’m on Twitter [@papillon8776](https://twitter.com/papillon8776)


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